They call me 102 around here

When I arrived unexpectedly at Josie’s nursing home this morning, and knocked at her half-closed door, I heard this: “Oh Meika! My pastor got a real charge out of that book of yours!” She chuckled to herself, repeating his comments, ‘That’s my Josie, smart-ass Josie.’”

Yes, that’s Josie, the tell-it-like-it-is former railroad worker I profiled in Aging Our Way. In May she turned 102 years of age, and now folks refer to her as 102. That’s because there’s one that’s 105 not far away.

As we talked, it became clear that many things are still true about Josie:

1) She still complains about her family. She didn’t marry or have children, so she’s stuck with mostly nephews who never quite follow through the way she’d like.

“They always have phones hanging from their noses, but do they take the time to call? Not even for a minute. That’s all it takes is one quick call a week! But I don’t hear from them.”

2) Friends are Josie’s family, and she has a LOT of them, including the aides at the nursing home, who take her gambling every year for her birthday, and the children of old friends, who check up on her regularly, and pastors and deacons, and the ladies of the local women’s club.

“I would have found a gun by now if not for my friends. Friends have been my reason for living. And I count you as one of them.”

3) She has an amazing memory, and the “stuff” of her past is important to her, including the house she wishes she didn’t sell, a topic I discussed in an earlier post. 

“I used to sit on my grandmother’s lap in her rocking chair and listen to those little records in the old phonograph. Someone threw that amazing machine into the trash, darn it. It was so special to me.”

When I left mid-morning, Josie was ready for her morning routine. She had soap and warm water ready, to wash her “face, busoms, and private parts.” Then she’ll take a walk, with her walker. And she’ll eat what they give her, although she really hates squash.

There it is: the picture of longevity. And she still has a lot to say, that tough-talkin’ 102.

Thanks for making my day, Josie. I’ll be back to visit soon.

Digital Life Stories – A New Skill and A New Friend

What happens when you match college students in “Sociology of the Life Course” with local community-dwelling elders for 15 weeks?

The answer: Fabulous symbiosis. All involved were charged with collaborating on a digital story about the elder’s life. What emerged, after two life history interview sessions, were some amazing 3-5 minute digital stories, as well as real mutual respect, and lifelong friendships across generations.

This *random* assignment of matches yielded amazing inter-generational partnerships like this:

*Leo and Caroline discussed how Catholicism plays into major decisions in their lives.

*Married couple Jerry and Marvie shared crucial advice on future careers and finances with new graduate,    Virginia (see picture above).

*Erin and Larry bonded over being a budding motivational speaker and a pro.

*Sandy trusted the writing of her future obituary to Evan.

*Married couple Stan/Sylvia got so close they offered to host football player Harlan over the summer.

I could go on and on. These were inspirational pairings all around.

In years past these digital stories have been played at memorial services & family reunions. As I told the students, once you make a digital story, you never know where it will end up. So take this seriously!

This year the Hamilton Historical Commission was our partner, and they will post these on their website (now in process) to honor local history and those who have participated in it.

Thanks to these elders’ stories, we now know more about about our Upstate NY region in relation to WWII, migrant farming, firefighting, the founding of a university, and town/gown relations. We also can see how elders continue to work at continuity, connection, daily routine, and meaningful lives.

So take a look at the 2012 Elder Project and let us know, which one is your favorite and why.

Congrats to all who participated for a job well done!  And best of luck new graduates!

 

Mother-Child Role Reversal? Not So Simple.

Psychologist Paula J. Caplan is caring for her mother, but many mis-characterize her situation. They imagine role reversal, or the recent infantilization of the mother. In reality, care work is much more nuanced than this. She writes of the ways in which her mother still cares for her, even as she is playing a guardian role. And she works hard to insure that her 88-year-old mother doesn’t feel like a child.

This reminds me of a moment in the Vital Aging Conference, where a senior woman stood up and stated, “Our kids have the best intentions, but they must take into account what we want in terms of our care. We have life experience to draw on – we are not children – and we know what we need.” Clapping ensued.

Here in the U.S., where independence, autonomy, and control, are favored, few of us are yearning to be bathed by our children down the line. And carework must be elder-centered, or it can be infantilizing.

Often I get asked to weigh in on an eldercare quandary. Family members describe the situation. I ask, “What does the elder want?” And sometimes they don’t know how to respond.

My students were surprised to read Sarah Lamb’s work on West Bengali elders, where, in the traditional act of “seva,” children are expected to care for their elders in joint-families (multigenerational) almost as if they were children. This is payback for the care they received as children years ago, and symbolic of the cycle of life. However, with modernization, these traditions are disappearing.

After learning about seva, many students admitted that they would love to be served tea by their children, and have oil applied to their scalps. But they’d also be fine living with other elders, surrounded by natural beauty.

This is what aging increasingly looks like among the middle class in West Bengal, India.  A melding of cultures.  And I suppose it isn’t half bad, especially if elders are having their say.

 

 

 

Update on Ann: “Her Journey has Begun”

You may remember Ann, the husky-voiced red-haired elder who loves to walk, from my book, Aging Our Way. She yearned to be published sometime in her life, and by writing the postscript to the book, she made her dreams come true. (Here I am reading Ann her published words for the first time!)

Ann volunteered for thirty years at her local nursing facility. She’d push people in wheelchairs who would always ask her “Are your teeth real?” She got a kick out of that. That same nursing home is where she lived from 2010 up until this week, when she passed away at the age of 96.

Here is an update on Ann, from her daughter Mary (posted with permission), from just a few days before her death. She reports that even on hospice Ann was very much in control.

Hi Meika,
Our mom has taken quite a dramatic turn of ill health. On 4/4 and
until 4/8 she was in St Peter’s for congestive heart failure and a
very painful compression fracture in her spine. She is now 96 3/4
years old. So we believe her journey has begun. We’ve called for
Community Hospice Services for palliative care and she’ll receive all
services at Good Samaritan Nursing Home, where she volunteered from
1980 until her broken hip and shoulder in July 2010, then as a
resident thereafter. Please know that she and I were instrumental in
securing that St Peter’s knew her end of life wishes, DNR in place.
She is now comfortable and sleeping much of most days. When awake she insists on being dressed and sitting upright in her wheelchair and has
continued (as tolerated) outings in the wheelchair van the family has
purchased, On outings and until the last couple of weeks she has
enjoyed her glass of wine at Gideon Putnam, and the vodka and juice
that my brother brings for her in the evening at the nursing home.
Recently, she awoke and asked “why is that oxygen in here”, referring
to the tank in a corner…..still independent, still in control. She
is choosing to eat less and less, but the family takes comfort in her
ongoing independent attitude.
I so enjoyed hearing you on Joe Donohue’s show this am….had to update you.
Many thanks for mentioning mom….she would have loved her mention in
regard to volunteering!
Mary Donohue Smith

Dearest Ann – it has been such a gift to know you these past years. And your devoted family has given you the ultimate gift; the ability to die as you would have wanted, in comfort and surrounded by loved ones.

As you described to me, your kids also enabled you to truly LIVE, by purchasing a used handicapped accessible van so that they could take you out of the nursing facility and away for weekend at Lake George, a place you have always loved.

I’ll never forget how, in your 90s, you proudly attended President Barack Obama’s inauguration, and rode on the DC subway for the first time.

With great admiration for a life well-lived, and your adventurous spirit,

Meika

The “Grumpy Old Man” Who Insists on Punctuality

After today’s radio interview at my local NPR affiliate, I chatted with one of the radio hosts about his father. The conversation was another lesson on the power of continuity, Lesson 1 in my book, Aging Our Way, and a theme I’ll be speaking about tomorrow at The Vital Aging conference in Saratoga Springs, NY.

The father in question was described as “cantankerous, difficult, and a bit of a drill sergeant.”

Now, I’m somewhat sensitive to characterizations of “Grumpy Old Men.” It is a money-making movie concept, that’s for sure. But it also misses the complexity of the life, as we learn in Clint Eastwood’s Gran Torino.

For this man’s father, his short stint in a nursing home was a mess, largely because, according to the father, the staff was not punctual, meds were not delivered on time, and the place didn’t run efficiently. A familiar critique of a nursing home, mind you, AND this says a lot about the patient, doesn’t it?

Turns out this man is a veteran – like 2/3 of the men in his age group – and for him, a regular routine, punctuality, and consistency are keys to his sense of groundedness. Many of us can relate to this.

In other words, his son said, “if you say you’re going to visit at 6, and you arrive at 6:10, he’s going to be all worked up.” And I say, if you know this, you can dramatically improve his quality of life.

Long story short, the father in question demanded to go home, and thanks to his sons, he now has a home care nurse who is prompt and steady; just the type of advocate he needs. He gets his morning coffee at the same time every day. And his 17 pills. (Last I saw, the average for someone his age was 11 pills a day, so he’s not far from it.)

Now if he could just get his sons to arrive right at 6pm, that would be truly aging his way.

Gendered Lives in Senior Living?

Ladies who lunch and men who play with toys. This the gendered scene at Atria Senior Living in Irvine, CA, where men are in the distinct minority, according to LA Times journalist Rick Rojas.

Initially, the article feeds nicely into a typical Mars/Venus (we’re from different planets) story. The title emphasizes man caves, “boys will be boys,” and lady gossip. Read it all the way through, however, and the subtext is all about the importance of connecting with others, no matter what planet you come from.

Lesson Nine: Reach Out to Family – Aging Our Way

80% of elder care comes from family members who mean well.

These efforts are 100% more successful if the elder involved is central to the care planning process.

~

This morning, on WAMC‘s Roundtable talk show, the topic was “A Place for Mom.” The organization with this name, with spokesperson Joan Lunden, was highlighted. And Joe Donohue, the show’s host, shared his own experiences in caring for his dad. At one point he said that family members had all come up with solutions for caring for dad, including his dad. In the end, “Dad was the one who was right about which solutions worked for him, 99% of the time.”

To me, this makes perfect sense. The elder should be at the center of his/her own care planning process, if at all possible. Afterall, we all know best what we need, right?

~

All of us carry around personalized recipes for self-care. Here are some of the things I hear when I talk with elders about self-care:

*I could use help with chopping veggies, but cooking for myself is crucial.

*Hugs and touch are more important to me now that my husband is gone.

*A hot shower is the best way to start a day.

*Getting up later in the day makes the day go by faster.

*Creative projects make me feel better about myself and my life.

*A phone call a day helps me to feel “alive.”

*Giving back gives me a sense of purpose.

*Staying in my home is important to me, as is resting my sore back.

… and the list goes on.

~

We all hope that those close to us can be excellent mind-readers when the time comes to do so. But let’s be real; that rarely happens. It is hard to reach out to family at any age; to communicate needs. And that doesn’t get any easier when one is in their 80s or 90s, when they are sensitive about about not being taken seriously, and about feeling like a burden.

But when care planning is a topic that is raised early, in sensitive ways, and over a period of time, it can help an elder to start thinking about what assistance might look like today and into the future. These conversations are not easy, but in the long-haul, if done with everyone’s blessing, everyone can walk away feeling more secure.

This is exactly what happened when Margaret asked her son to call her every morning, and to give her more hugs. Or when Lore asked her granddaughter to take her to a weekly art class at the local college.

Most importantly, these conversations need not be framed around “care planning” per se. Why not start with asking what contributes to your elder’s sense of health, comfort, routine, and purpose? And then allow the elder take it from there.

~

Ensuring that the elder is at the center of family care decisions makes sense. Not only is this about basic respect, but it is about honoring continuity in an elder’s life, and a sense of control and independence, something most of us good Americans are working hard to protect.

This is the ninth in a 13- post series on living well, adapted from Aging Our Way: Lessons for Living from 85 and Beyond

Lesson Eight: Care for Others – Aging Our Way

Newsflash! The oldest old in America care for their families, their communities, each other.

We’d expect the opposite, right? That the very old are cared for, not vice versa. But in the vast majority of cases, the evidence is there – all around you, to debunk this theory. Here are three elders featured in my book who care for others:

Juana: She wakes up early to make rice and beans for her children. She’s 94 years old. Her daughter lives downstairs, her son lives in another city. Both still depend on their mother for lunch. And she depends on them for rides.

Margaret: She checks in on her neighbor Jackie every day at 4pm. It is just something she does in her senior apartment complex. One day, she stopped by for a visit and asked Jackie (a former nurse) to check her vitals. Something was wrong. Jackie called 911 and saved Margaret’s life.

Eddie: He errands for his friends and family. He picks up groceries, books, and even underwear for his uncle in a nursing home. At the end of the day, he always has a good story about the things he picked up for others. A good story is what makes his day.

Then there are semi-famous nonagenarians who are community activists, like Grace Lee Boggs (age 95), whose love for Detroit and the environment continues to inspire, worldwide.

Just this week in the Wall Street Journal, Yumiko Ono reports on Japanese elders made homeless by the tsunami who are providing support for each other in the form of a regular knitting club.

The stories are a-plenty. As a sociologist, I like to call attention to what I call reciprocal care networks. These networks, made up of non-kin, and kin alike, are vital to those aging in place, those who feel isolated, and honestly, vital to all of us who want to feel part of something larger than ourselves.

These networks are also crucial in constructing resilient communities.

Whatever you call it, the message is the same. Elders are not only care-receivers, they are also caregivers. Even into their 90s.

So when we hear talk about global aging societies as a “drain” on resources (as I keep hearing on the news in relation to Japan, for example), let’s remember that elders add value to our families and communities in a multitude of ways.

This is the eighth in a 13- post series on living well, adapted from Aging Our Way: Lessons for Living from 85 and Beyond

Enabling Environment Checklist

Q: Is it the person who is disabled or the environment that is disabling?

I was fortunate to be part of a webinar that Esther Greenhouse gave on aging in place and creating enabling environments. This was one of her big questions.

I write about enabling environments in Aging Our Way, in the chapter on (Re) Design Your Living Space. I focus on how elders arrange their spaces to enable comfort, convenience, and accessibility on a daily basis. Esther Greenhouse takes this one step further, as a Certified Aging in Place Specialist and environmental genontologist.

Esther is big on design that works for you, your family, and your friends. In other words, your home should be accessible for you and your family and “visitable” for others.

Think about your home – does it have everything on this checklist to make it enabling to people across the spectrum of ability?

• Full height mirror
• Grab bars in the bathroom
• Removable shower head
• Lever door openers
• Adequate lighting, including floor lighting for nighttime
• Shower seat or bench
• At least one zero-step entry
• Wide doorways
• 1^st floor half-bath

Other fun additions include OXO Good Grips products and shampoo/conditioner bottles that look different.

 A: When I’m bringing in groceries, or carrying my child, I don’t want steps or rugs I can trip on, doors I have to grip to open, nor do I want to travel through excessively narrow passages. So this really is design for all, isn’t it?

What Constitutes a Meaningful Life? Part Two

What does it mean to live a meaningful life?
Here are responses from students enrolled in my “Sociology of the Life Course.”

Cultivate a sense of purpose
Be yourself
Pursue strong connections
Experience love
Don’t regret, just learn
Approach everything as a learning experience
Take care of yourself and others
Surround yourself with people you love
Stay true to yourself
Live in the moment
Make a positive impact
Pay it forward
Do what you enjoy
Bring good to the world
Honor nature
Belong